Sound Advice for Mother's Day

Here are some tips from the Ontario Psychological Association for busy women, mothers and caregivers on Mother's Day. 

Take care of yourself— Set aside time to engage in healthy activities that you enjoy or that help you relax. Identify hobbies, increase exercising or eating healthy foods. Making time for yourself will help you better manage stressful situations and allow you to better care for the whole family. Also, find something that makes you laugh – humor is important, and laughter can really make life a whole lot easier.

Recognize how you deal with family stress — Some people deal with stress by engaging in unhealthy behaviors, such as smoking, drinking, comfort eating, or yelling and becoming irritable. Remember that stress is inevitable. What makes the biggest difference is how you manage that stress.

Reach out to others — Enlist and accept help from others including friends and family. Identify ways your family can help with specific needs that must be met like proving a meal or babysitting so you can find time to take a break and rejuvenate. Take time to connect with your girlfriends when you are feeling overwhelmed. Strong female friendships can help women overcome stressors.

Keep things in perspective —Remind yourself that each morning offers a new start and take things one step at a time. Realize that there is no one perfect way to parent. Staying optimistic lowers stress.

Prioritize — You can only do one thing at a time. Delay or say no to the unimportant tasks, and make appointments for more important tasks, such as spending quality time with a spouse or child.

Be organized — Keeping the family and yourself organized reduces stress. Put family health information in separate folders; get family members to keep laundry in color coded baskets; keep book bags in assigned bins. Harried searching for things adds to mom’s stress. Enlist your children’s help in developing an organization plan for your household - if they are involved in the planning, they will be more likely to follow through.

Ask for professional help — If you feel overwhelmed by stress or the unhealthy behaviors you use to cope, you may want to talk with a psychologist who can help you address the emotions behind your worries, better manage stress and change unhealthy behaviours.
If you would like to receive daily tips on how to increase your level of happiness, click the "like" button on Toronto Cetnre for Postiie Psycholgy's Facebook page.  
Here's the link:  http://www.facebook.com/TorontoCentreforPositivePsychology


HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!


Until next time,


Dr. Tami Kulbatski, Psy.D., C.Psych.
Psychologist and Director,
Toronto Centre for Positive Psychology * Click here to "like" us on Facebook
Teaching Co-representative of Division 17, Division of Positive Psychology, American Psychological Association
Co-editor, Ten Commandments for Couples
website: www.doctortami.com
phone: (416) 708-7022

Online Dating 101

In my private practice, I work with many singles that are looking to find a partner to share their lives with.  Online dating is one of the options most readily available to singles these days.  Not since college have people had such a large number of potential dates and mates to choose from.  (This can be particularly encouraging for singles over 50, who in the past felt that their ability to meet someone in their age group was very limited.  Fortunately, with the rapidly growing over-50 online dating community, the stigma of being “that age and single” is quickly vanishing).

The benefits of online dating are plentiful.  For example, online dating is a very convenient way to meet people without leaving home. This saves time and allows you to meet many people relatively quickly.  Online dating also allows for a more focused search, which means that based on the information posted online, you can filter out people who you feel are definitely not a match.  Through reviewing the profiles posted, singles can identify which online members share their interests and values.  Browsing through profiles can be a fun way to learn about people’s religion, favourite activities, special interests, hobbies, values and political views - all potentially valuable information when choosing a mate.  And when it comes to making a connection with someone who is like-minded, online daters are often able to determine who’s looking for friendship, who’s looking to date casually, and who’s interested in a committed long-term relationship.

Online dating can make it easy to connect with others without the awkwardness that often comes with first dates.  If you feel like you already know something about each other, you are more likely to feel comfortable and at ease when you meet face to face. 

As with many things in life, online dating has its shortcomings.  It is a psychologically know fact: people lie.  There are online daters that deliberately misrepresent their age, relationship status, religion, physical attributes, socio-economic status, and even gender!  Many do this in order to get more responses, while others are stalkers and dangerous predators.  Don’t believe everything you read!  Always remember that you don’t really know who is actually behind that profile.  For this reason, I advise my clients to never divulge where they live.  When you first meet, make sure it’s during the day and in a public place.  And just like you teach your children: never get into a car with someone you don’t really know.  If you’ve spent a couple of weeks online with someone, this can be an easy mistake to make.  Don’t assume that he/she is no longer a stranger just because you’ve shared some deep and meaningful information with them.  And when it comes to sharing information with online-dating prospects, here's an important rule of thumb: don’t reveal too much too soon!

Another disadvantage of online dating has to do with time lost.  There is an addictive element (and a sense of comfort) to connecting with others through the safety of a computer screen.  Many people end up spending hours and hours looking for a date, and not nearly enough time in the “real world.”  If you’ve met someone you are interested in, set up a face-to face meeting sooner, rather than later.  People report feeling incredible attraction (and even love) towards someone they’ve only ever met online.  Often times, when a face-to-face meeting takes place, people feel let down and disappointed.  Treat the online phase as an introduction, and strive to meet that person as soon as possible.

I encourage singles to try online dating.   In addition to all the advantages I mentioned above, I believe that online dating is a wonderful exercise in self-exploration.   Filling out your own profile is an opportunity to increase self-awareness around issues that are meaningful to you.  By observing which questions trigger an emotional response within you, you can identify areas in your own life that you may want to work on.  For example, if divulging your age or describing your physical attributes stirs up feelings of shame or discomfort, these may be areas of potential growth for you. 

Good luck and enjoy the journey!

Dr. Tami Kulbatski, Psy.D., C. Psych.

Psychologist and Director,

Toronto Centre for Positive Psychology * Like us on Facebook

Teaching Co-Representative, Division 17, Section of Positive Psychology, American Psychology Association

Co-Editor, Ten Commandments for Couples

website: www.doctortami.com

phone: (416) 708-7022

Feeling Lucky in Love?

Do you have one of those “lucky” friends that seems to navigate the dating scene without much effort?  Research proves that these “lucky” people are actually folks who generate their own good fortune by following some basic principles.  Want to become more like that lucky friend of yours?  Commit to practicing each of the following on a regular basis:

1.  Notice and create opportunities.  For example: Rather than going to that same Starbucks every morning for your skinny latte, why not search the net for some local coffee shops you have yet to try?  The more you expose yourself to new places, the more opportunities you will create for chance meetings. 

2.  Listen to your intuition.  For example: Rather than taking the usual route to the cottage next weekend, make that right turn you’ve always wondered about and see where it will lead you.  

3.  Expect positive outcomes in order to create self-fulfilling prophecies.  For example:  When you’re getting ready for your first date with that cutie you’ve been eyeing all semester, envision yourselves laughing and enjoying each other’s company.  As the saying goes:  “I’ll see it when I’ll believe it.”

Best of Luck,

Dr. Tami Kubatski, Psy.D., C.Psych.

www.doctortami.com

Nurturing Healthy Self-Esteem

We teach people how to treat us. When we feel worthy and have a healthy sense of self, we communicate to the people in our lives that we expect to be treated with dignity and respect. Cultivating a more positive self-image increases our sense of self-worth, and as a result, helps to determine the kind of treatment we will or will not tolerate from others. This can be an incredibly empowering process.

Negative self-talk keeps us from enjoying self-confidence and self-respect. More often than not, when we speak to ourselves, we do so in a critical tone of voice. Focusing on flaws and weaknesses is a sure way to deflate self-esteem. 

Have you noticed that when you speak with a friend, you are often kinder and more accepting of their shortcomings than you are of your own? Learn to develop internal dialogues similar to the ones you use with your friends. Your self-esteem will flourish when you learn to place less emphasis on what's wrong with you and more emphasis on what's right.

Be kind to you!

Dr. Tami Kulbatski, Psy.D., C.Psych.

www.doctortami.com

Play for Moms?

It is a well-researched fact that when children play, the benefits they enjoy include cognitive, physical and emotional development.  Through playing, children improve their ability to problem-solve, they learn to adjust socially (integrating and communicating with their peers), and as a result, they grow emotionally. 

Throughout the ages, moms have been notorious for neglecting many (if not most) areas of their lives concerning self-care.  While busy caring for children, spouses, work, and domestic responsibilities, most moms dismiss the importance that play can bring to their lives. Much like our children need to play in order to thrive and grow, adults (especially moms) need to focus on “down-time”, “me-time,” and “fun-time” in order to re-energize, relieve stress, connect with friends and flourish emotionally. 

In my private practice, I often assign homework to moms who suffer from “lack-of-play syndrome.”  The homework entails carving out regular periods throughout the week for play.  This can include any activities that bring you joy, such as playing a team sport, solving crossword puzzles, or building a snowman.  Many moms resist this assignment because they feel guilty depriving their children of their presence.  “After all,” I often hear my clients say, “My mom never had to take time for herself.”  When moms (especially those who have daughters) don’t make adult playtime a priority, they not only fail to recharge and avoid burn-out, but they miss a crucial opportunity to model healthy behaviour to their daughters.    To protect your daughter from these very struggles you are facing when she becomes a mom, break the cycle, and start playing today.  Give your children the gift of an energetic and healthy grown-up that they can one day emulate. 

Now get out there and have fun!

Dr. Tami Kulbatski, Psy.D., C.Psych.

The Stress of Clutter

Clutter and anxiety are very closely related.  In my own practice, I often see clients who feel overwhelmed by numerous minor distractions in their physical environments.  Although they feel annoyed by growing stacks of magazines and garages filled to the brim with unused items, most prefer to ‘deal’ with their clutter by simply ignoring it.

The truth is that clutter zaps us of our energy, leaving us feeling drained, anxious, and unable to focus.  One of the most important lessons I impart to my clients living in clutter is that their physical space has a direct effect on their mental space.  People that are weighed down by physical clutter often feel paralyzed to tackle the bigger, more important aspects of their lives.  

If you feel that you have no control over the little things in life (like not being able to track down your contact lens solution) you are also more likely to believe you have no control over the big things.  Feeling anxious, stressed, or weary about your clutter is a strong indicator that the disorder in your environment needs some immediate attention. 

Wishing you a clutter-free day!

Dr. Tami Kulbatski, Psy.D. C.Psych.
www.doctortami.com

Managing Stress for Better Mental Health

With all the pressures of modern life, having tools at our disposal to manage stress levels is becoming increasingly important. In this blog, I will review three simple, yet very effective tools to help you better deal with stress.

The first simple, yet very effective tool to decrease stress is called Square Breathing. 

Instructions:  Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Close your eyes and begin to focus on your breathing. Inhale for a count of four. Hold for a count of four. Exhale for a count of four. Hold for a count of four. Repeat. Continue for at least four cycles.

This exercise regulates the breath and heart rate, alleviates tension, and promotes a general sense of peace and order to the mind and body.

The second tool to decrease stress involves engaging in sports or physical activities.  Exercise is a proven intervention that is highly effective in managing stress levels.  Not only does exercise provide us with a healthy distraction from stress, it also significantly diminishes the effects of stress on blood pressure and the heart.

Instructions: Commit to being physically active at least three times a week for at least 30 minutes at a time. Research indicates that regular physical activity plays a key role in reducing and preventing the effects of stress.  (If you are not used to strenuous exercise, be sure to check with your doctor first, and remember to start slow). 

The third tool to decrease stress involves reciting affirmations. 

Instructions:  Have several affirmations you can readily access (carry them in your wallet, or save them in your digital device).  When you feel your stress level increase, recite these affirmations as a way to help you calm down. Start your affirmations with the words "I am," phrase your affirmations in the present tense, be brief, be specific, and say what you want, rather than what you don't want.  Some examples include: 

• I am relaxed
• I am calm.
• I handle stress and tension appropriately and effectively.
• My muscles are relaxed and comfortable.
• I am thankful for all the positive things in my life. 

When you create affirmations, remember to make them relevant to your life and meaningful to your personal experience. 

Wishing you a stress-free day!

Dr. Tami Kulbatski, Psy.D., C.Psych.
 www.doctortami.com