In my private practice, I work with many singles that are looking to find a partner to share their lives with. Online dating is one of the options most readily available to singles these days. Not since college have people had such a large number of potential dates and mates to choose from. (This can be particularly encouraging for singles over 50, who in the past felt that their ability to meet someone in their age group was very limited. Fortunately, with the rapidly growing over-50 online dating community, the stigma of being “that age and single” is quickly vanishing).
The benefits of online dating are plentiful. For example, online dating is a very convenient way to meet people without leaving home. This saves time and allows you to meet many people relatively quickly. Online dating also allows for a more focused search, which means that based on the information posted online, you can filter out people who you feel are definitely not a match. Through reviewing the profiles posted, singles can identify which online members share their interests and values. Browsing through profiles can be a fun way to learn about people’s religion, favourite activities, special interests, hobbies, values and political views - all potentially valuable information when choosing a mate. And when it comes to making a connection with someone who is like-minded, online daters are often able to determine who’s looking for friendship, who’s looking to date casually, and who’s interested in a committed long-term relationship.
Online dating can make it easy to connect with others without the awkwardness that often comes with first dates. If you feel like you already know something about each other, you are more likely to feel comfortable and at ease when you meet face to face.
As with many things in life, online dating has its shortcomings. It is a psychologically know fact: people lie. There are online daters that deliberately misrepresent their age, relationship status, religion, physical attributes, socio-economic status, and even gender! Many do this in order to get more responses, while others are stalkers and dangerous predators. Don’t believe everything you read! Always remember that you don’t really know who is actually behind that profile. For this reason, I advise my clients to never divulge where they live. When you first meet, make sure it’s during the day and in a public place. And just like you teach your children: never get into a car with someone you don’t really know. If you’ve spent a couple of weeks online with someone, this can be an easy mistake to make. Don’t assume that he/she is no longer a stranger just because you’ve shared some deep and meaningful information with them. And when it comes to sharing information with online-dating prospects, here's an important rule of thumb: don’t reveal too much too soon!
Another disadvantage of online dating has to do with time lost. There is an addictive element (and a sense of comfort) to connecting with others through the safety of a computer screen. Many people end up spending hours and hours looking for a date, and not nearly enough time in the “real world.” If you’ve met someone you are interested in, set up a face-to face meeting sooner, rather than later. People report feeling incredible attraction (and even love) towards someone they’ve only ever met online. Often times, when a face-to-face meeting takes place, people feel let down and disappointed. Treat the online phase as an introduction, and strive to meet that person as soon as possible.
I encourage singles to try online dating. In addition to all the advantages I mentioned above, I believe that online dating is a wonderful exercise in self-exploration. Filling out your own profile is an opportunity to increase self-awareness around issues that are meaningful to you. By observing which questions trigger an emotional response within you, you can identify areas in your own life that you may want to work on. For example, if divulging your age or describing your physical attributes stirs up feelings of shame or discomfort, these may be areas of potential growth for you.
Good luck and enjoy the journey!
Dr. Tami Kulbatski, Psy.D., C. Psych.
Psychologist and Director,
Teaching Co-Representative, Division 17, Section of Positive Psychology, American Psychology Association
Co-Editor, Ten Commandments for Couples
website: www.doctortami.com
phone: (416) 708-7022
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